


How to Make a Man

by flickerthenflare



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst and Humor, Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Halloween, M/M, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-30
Updated: 2014-10-30
Packaged: 2018-02-23 05:37:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2536145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flickerthenflare/pseuds/flickerthenflare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blaine’s complicated relationship with masculinity and fitting in begins the Halloween he wants to dress up as Mulan’s male alter ego. (And it only gets more complicated from there.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to Make a Man

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for racism, homophobia, sexism, and reference to past physical assault.

Blaine’s love for Disney’s _Mulan_ is immediate and intense from the moment he sees sweet, bumbling Mulan transform into a warrior, and he remains hooked for the rest of the movie. He, too, knows he is supposed to fall in line with the boys if he wants to be respected, by peers and adults alike, and that requires extra effort on his part. Somehow he doesn’t quite fit, even if he likes some of the same things. He puts his overactive imagination to use, pretending that he is Mulan masquerading as a soldier and it’s a little easier. As Ping – the soldier Mulan pretended to be – he can make a game of it. The fate of the world rests in his ability to mimic the boys around him. Whatever they do, he does.

Blaine is very good at this game.

When it comes time to choose a costume for the Halloween following the movie’s release, Blaine knows exactly who he wants to be. He holds his stuffed Mushu doll for courage when he asks the one family member he can count on.

“You can’t be a girl, Blainers,” Cooper says without missing a beat in his self-created dance routine to Queen’s _Don’t Stop Me Now_ that is blaring through his boom box. “It’s overdone and tacky. And Dad will have a fit.”

“But she dressed up like a boy! That was the whole point!”

His parents may try to talk over him like he can’t follow their conversation, but he knows his dad doesn’t like his favorite movie and his mother is incapable of forming a contrary opinion: that’s why he chooses Cooper for sharing his costume intentions. By going to Cooper he can get what he wants without having to involve his parents at all. No one needs to have a fit, and Blaine can have the costume.

Cooper doesn’t share this line of thought.

“I can’t associate myself with such a cliché Halloween choice. It’s bad for my brand.”  Cooper turns back to his music.

“Coop, come on!” He’s a _boy_ , not a _brand_ , but Blaine knows Cooper means he’s too cool to bother with what Blaine wants to do.

“Come on, Blaine, leave your big brother alone,” his mother scolds upon overhearing part of their conversation but not enough to know what Blaine was whining for. She steers Blaine away from the door. “You know Cooper doesn’t get to decide what’s best for you. If you want something, you need to come to an adult.”

His mother has a habit of saying things that aren’t true: Cooper takes care of most things parents do, like walking him home from school and making up arbitrary rules and telling him when he does something wrong. Teenagers are pretty much the same thing as adults, as far as Blaine is concerned. Cooper can’t sew like Blaine’s mom can, but they can figure something out. They have creativity on their side.

“Blaine wants to be Ping for Halloween,” Cooper volunteers as Blaine’s mom ushers him away.

Blaine sticks his tongue out at his brother for breaking the no-parental-involvement pact before Blaine can even swear him into it.

“We’ll see what they have at the costume store when we go next week,” his mom says.

“Will they have my costume there?” His classmates have bought costumes as pirates or cowboys or superheroes, but he likes Mulan the best.

“They’ll have a lot of costumes that you might like.”

It’s a way of saying _no_. She thinks she’s tricking him, but eventually it means _no_.

“I’m going as Ping,” he says. He’s careful not to whine. He’s stating a fact.

“ _Who?_ ”

Cooper turns off the music at the sound of their father’s voice. Blaine holds his stuffed toy tighter.

“Ping is Mulan’s male alter-ego. Blaine’s had that movie on a loop since it came out, how do you not know that?” Cooper asks.

Rather than get Cooper in trouble for mouthing off, Mr. Anderson casts a scowl at his younger son holding a Mushu doll and looking up hopefully. “Are you sure it’s a good idea encouraging him to identify so heavily with a girl? His _feminine side_ is already causing problems. I’m not taking him out dressed like a girl.”

Blaine sighs – quietly – at his father’s entrance into the argument. He always wins; Cooper or his mom – or even Cooper’s mom on the off chance that she’s around – might argue for a bit, but it doesn’t work. With just Cooper he stands a chance of getting his own way. With his dad, he loses all hope.

“Like you were going to anyway,” Cooper snips.

“I doubt Blaine wants to be Mulan because she’s a girl,” his mother placates. “She spends so much of the movie dressed as a boy and he’s too young to understand. He probably sees himself in the movie and picked the main character.”

His father waves off her argument. “He looks like Cooper did at that age – he can see himself in everything.”

There are pictures around the house of Cooper when he was younger and looking like Cooper doesn’t seem true at all to Blaine. When his hair won’t be tamed he looks a little like his mother before she straightens hers, and when he frowns, he looks a lot like his dad.

“Let’s aim for American and male with this next idea, buddy.Pick a different costume.”

And that is the end of that. When his father is done making his point, he walks away to make sure the conversation ended with him.

Blaine goes to his room despite not being told to go. He feels vaguely like he is in trouble anyway.Pleading his case won’t help. Asking for anything rarely works for him. Looking hopeful convinces his mom if his dad isn’t around to disagree – he got the dragon toy that way – but his dad already said no.

Blaine plops down on the floor as heavily as his tiny body can. He stares up at his ceiling.

Well, he can always _pretend_ to be Mulan on Halloween when he’s dressed like a ghost even if he can’t go as her. He’s pretty sure Halloween isn’t a holiday in ancient China, but his imagination is very good. No matter what he wears, he can always be a secret soldier.

“Hey, Blainers, if you’re going for a big scene, you’ll have to be more dramatic than sitting on the floor without making a peep.”

Blaine opens one weary eye. Cooper entering his room without being invited barely registers with Blaine, or how he helps himself to one of the books on Blaine’s bookshelf.

“So I’ve been thinking,” Cooper continues as he drops down on the floor beside Blaine. “I’m an actor – dressing up to get into character is an important skill to hone. Which is why I need you to go trick or treating with me. I can’t go alone.”

“You said you’re too old to pretend to be anything you’re not when you’re not on stage.”

“Sometimes I say things when I don’t want to play a talking dragon, Squirt.” Cooper rakes fingers through Mushu’s fur.

“You can pick the Halloween costumes, then,” Blaine relents with a sigh, because at least one of them should be who they want to be.

Cooper starts flipping through the Mulan picture book he lifted from Blaine’s shelf. “She kind of has your triangle eyebrows.” With a laugh Cooper turned the book to show Blaine.

Blaine forgets his dramatics for a moment and straightens up to see. Maybe that’s what his mother meant about seeing himself in Mulan. Maybe if he were a cartoon, he’d look like her. And if he were allowed to dress up like a soldier instead of just pretend to be as brave as her in his mind.

“Dad said no.”

“What about Captain Shang? I bet your mom will help you put together a costume if you tell her you want to be Shang.”

“But I want to be Ping.” He likes Captain Shang but he doesn’t want to _be_ him. It won’t be the same.

“Don’t they wear similar outfits in the army?” Cooper asks with a mischievous glint in his eye. He flips back and forth between pages in the book to illustrate the comparison.

Blaine’s mouth dropped open before he snapped it shut again. Sometimes Cooper proves exactly why Blaine wants him on his side. Mulan had to be in disguise to be a warrior. He can do it too.

Cooper grabs Blaine before he can run off and moves Blaine back where he wants him. Blaine stumbles into place.

“Hold on, hold on. Show me your warrior face.”

“Arr!” Blaine says gamely.

“There you go. Now go trick your mom into letting you be a crossdressing warrior!”

Blaine dances away to tell his mother of his change in plans.

***

The summer after Blaine comes out, his father announces without preamble, “I don’t spend enough time with you.”

That’s a statement Blaine can agree with. The Anderson household became awfully lonely and quiet after Cooper moved out, and Blaine became good at being alone.

“I couldn’t count on Cooper to teach you a damned useful thing,” his father continues. “Every man should know how to get his hands dirty.”

Blaine obediently follows his dad into the garage. He gets his hands dirty. He listens to his dad wax poetically about the lost art of masculinity.  He pays attention because he can’t help but think that maybe if he does well, everything will be okay.

Other adventures in the lost are of masculinity included teaching Blaine how to throw a ball (ten years too late and already covered by his supposedly useless older brother), watching sports when Blaine’s suggested athletic activities of horseback riding prompt a sigh but a signed permission form, and a rainy camping trip Blaine’s father hates more than Blaine does.

Through the car building and all the other be-a-man activities that his dad insists upon, Blaine forces a bemused smile at pretending to be someone else to fit in. His game of make believe has proven useful far longer than initially expected. He’s still Mulan, and he still has everyone fooled.

*******

In all his lessons from his dad, throwing a punch doesn’t come up. Maybe it’s unpleasant. Maybe it’s something his dad doesn’t want Blaine to practice on him. Maybe he assumes Blaine isn’t think kind of guy who needs to know.

Blaine takes up boxing on his own. While great for his fantasy life, horseback riding and fencing do not prove useful in real life. He knows that for certain now.

He boxes more intensely at McKinley than he has since giving up his quiet life safe behind walls for Kurt like it was nothing. Blaine had been to William McKinley High School a total of three times before transferring and two of those trips ended with shoving or being shoved. The third in humiliation and tears. This is the place that threatened to kill Kurt.

_I’ll Make a Man Out of You_ routinely gets stuck in Blaine’s head while boxing after hours is the gym. His peers are just now beginning to obsess with becoming men the same way his dad obsessed with making him one – they’ve taken for granted until on the cusp of adulthood that it would happen on its own and they would be seen that way. Blaine figured out a dozen years before it’s not about _becoming_ something, it’s about _pretending_ to be.

Blaine shows up to _West Side Story_ rehearsal with energy high from boxing practice and ready to sink into his character. Somewhere in his childhood, Blaine discovered that playing pretend could lead to awards and applause and praise when done on a stage and it’s immensely satisfying for him. He’s good at it. He practices enough. He assumed that the supposedly colorblind casting for _West Side Story_ would still lead to him and anyone else remotely “ethnic” playing a Shark, but instead he’s Tony and he’s not playing himself in a role that at least has a lot of lines.

Artie has requested all the male cast members attend this rehearsal to practice the gang fighting today, forgetting entirely about the girl playing Anybody’s and leaving Kurt to sit and watch them rehearse scenes he’s not in. Kurt huffs when Artie asks Kurt to step in for Anybody’s, the girl who wanted to be one of the boys and that the boys keep chasing off.

Kurt responds icily, "I don't want to.” No justification provided. He stalks off to the wings.

The rest of them fall into place on the stage.

Blaine glances after Kurt. Tony’s besotted looks throughout the show are the easiest thing in the world for Blaine as long as he has Kurt around to remind him how much feeling he can put into one look. When he thinks of “Something’s Coming,” he thinks of the day before he met Kurt and didn’t know what he was missing.

“From your line, Puck,” Artie directs, drawing Blaine’s attention back to the fake rumble that’s about to begin.

“Maybe he has found the guts to fight his own battles.”

Blaine cautiously but steadily edged forward despite his heart pounding like it always does whenever someone gets in his face. “It doesn't take guts if you have a battle. But we haven't got one.”

Puck sneers in response. He shoves Blaine, who skids backwards across the stage. Puck breaks character to whistle in surprise. “Wow, you’re, like, really easy to throw around.”

Kurt’s eyes narrow from where he set up shop in the wings. The directors can’t see him and the actors generally ignore him – there’s always something to do when he’s not on stage and today Maria needs clothes that fit – but Blaine knows that Kurt is hanging around to watch over him during moments like this. Kurt resists warning Puck and Mike against playing too rough. He didn’t bring it up with Blaine. He isn’t going to fuss. He’s just going to watch. Kurt trusted Blaine to handle his limits himself.

Honestly, the shove feels cathartic. He’s been waiting for it. At least on stage, he knows how it ends. If anything, Blaine is surprised he didn’t slide further, but the coke-wash did its job and provided some traction. There are memories that could be stirred up by Puck shoving him like this, he let them be for now. Kurt has memories of reasons to distrust Puck, but Kurt doesn’t explicitly say as much to Blaine.

Artie strokes his nonexistent beard – the kind he grows when playing Serious Director about to make a Serious Decision. “Theoretically, Mike, could you catch him? And make it look good?”

“Go for it.” Blaine nods enthusiastically. Not that they asked him. Puck can lift Blaine’s weight easily and he can make it look good. If they do it right, Puck flinging him across the stage will add the shock and drama Artie lives for. The audience wouldn't expect great blocking from a high school production. Or great acting. Puck will do the physicality of it but Blaine can sell it.

Artie claps his hands decisively. “Okay, we’ll stage a toss. We’ll have to time it carefully, though, Puck. You can’t throw him if there’s no one there to catch him.”

Kurt stops pretending to be focused on his seams. He tips his head to the side, jaw clenched, disapproval deep in his features.

They try for honesty but there are always things like this left unsaid. Kurt knows the cowardly parts of Blaine that he tries to keep hidden. There’s no point to acknowledging how Kurt is never more than a step behind in a darkened parking lot. Kurt will stick to his side when they leave practice for the night, and Blaine won’t stop him.

The hum of the machine stops as Kurt stills his sewing to watch.

What Puck suggests is play. No more threatening than any other well-coordinated dance. Blaine isn’t worried at all except for the way that Kurt worries.

Maria’s costume for the fire escape scene looks perfect by the time the cast departs. Kurt fusses at his sewing machine while the others filter out. Blaine doubts rewinding that bobbin is necessary but Kurt occupies himself with it fully until they’re alone and then, finally then, he looks up and his smile shines on Blaine like the sun.

And then they’re finally alone. He’ll worry about it on the way to the parking lot, but being alone at the moment is blissful. Alone means no more putting on a show. Kurt gets to see Blaine as he is. Not completely, and not consistently, but more than anyone else in Blaine’s life.

Still. He worries. Not enough to give Kurt fucked up instructions on how to play the same game Blaine does where passing for someone he isn’t quite is winning. Enough to hold out his hand.

“Practice isn’t over yet. Come here.” Blaine calls.

Kurt’s eyes light up. He strides over eagerly.

“Not that kind of practice, Kurt!” Blaine laughs as Kurt’s arms wrap up around Blaine’s shoulders to pull him the rest of the way in. He can’t bring himself to resist Kurt’s pull or the prolonged kiss that follows. Blaine is never good at breaking away and he opens his mouth instead.

Blaine’s voice is rough when they part. “We already know you’re good at that. Real practice.”

On nights where they stay late, Kurt typically humors Blaine’s need for perfection by running lines and helping him through blocking, all that empty space to themselves to fill with their imaginations. Once they stop kissing long enough. He’ll chance the even darker parking lot for more time together.

“I like our version better.” Kurt tips his head back down, but rather than reinitiate their kiss, he nuzzles his nose against Blaine’s and lingers close to breathe him in. Blaine can easily close the distance with the tilt of his chin.

“Artie better not direct you to kiss Rachel like that,” Kurt warns.

“He’s said nothing about tongue. Yet.” Emma Pillsbury’s sense of propriety might overrule Artie’s lack thereof should he make that direction, but Blaine long before stopped counting on adults intervening at any time but moments where they aren’t needed. “Can we bookmark this and come back to it?”

Kurt tips his head like he’s seriously considering the request before countering, “One more kiss?”

Blaine can’t resist the hopeful upward lilt in Kurt’s voice.

“Play nice,” Blaine cautions as Kurt closes the space between them and catches the end of Blaine’s request between his lips. Kurt has the whole coy teasing thing down, enough that Blaine expects slow and not-quite-there touches, and then every once in a while Kurt does away with holding back and Blaine is left reeling.

True to Blaine’s request, Kurt is brief – at least by their standards – and keeps it to one kiss that still makes Blaine regret his limits.

“Okay, now make a fist.” Blaine curls Kurt’s hand into a fist and corrects the way he holds his thumb.

“I have a baton and no actual fight scenes.”

“In the show,” Blaine agrees. _Not in real life_.

Kurt lets it stay unsaid.

Blaine coaxed Kurt into a fighting stance. “I know learning from these guys seems –”

“Toxic?” Kurt supplies. Which, yeah, something unpleasant went down with Puck that Blaine isn’t privy to. Something that explains the daggers Kurt’s eyes shot at Puck when he shoved Blaine. Kurt shouldn’t have to count on his former bully for lessons on how to prevent those physical altercations, but his boyfriend has only the best intentions.

“I just, I really want you to learn how to do this,” Blaine says earnestly. “It’s still good to know. You can put it on your acting resume.”

Kurt lets his hands fall back to his sides. “I’m not going to practice on my handsome boyfriend. I like his face.”

“My face will be fine.” He’s always fine. He wants Kurt to be fine too. Kurt’s look of stubborn bemusement, however, says that Kurt isn’t going to play along with Blaine’s impromptu boxing lesson without a reason Blaine has yet to give.

Blaine could make another stop by Burt Hummel’s tire shop to suggest remedying another parenting oversight, but he’s not sure Burt will agree with Blaine on the necessity of knowing how to fight.

Instead, Blaine drops the boxing lesson and slides his fingers in a gentle grasp around Kurt’s wrists. “We’ll try this instead. If you rotate your arm so my grip has to twist, you should be able to break free.”

“This works for me.” Kurt sways coyly in Blaine’s grip but make no other effort to move.

Blaine sighs. “ _Kurt._ Humor me. You won’t hurt me.”

Kurt breaks free easily and dances back for his reward kiss. Blaine indulges the distraction.

“Great. Okay, next –”

Kurt shakes his head. “I just want to be us right now.”

“This is us.” He’s always most like himself around Kurt. It’s just that pretending can be useful too.

“Us and a lot of ghosts,” Kurt corrects. He levels a serious look at Blaine. They’re close to naming what goes unsaid about the mutual worry they have for each other and Blaine swallows thickly. “I just want to be us. No worries about anyone else and no pretending.”

Kurt mirrors Blaine’s grasp from a moment before and wraps long fingers around Blaine’s wrists and no, Blaine doesn’t want to break away either. Kurt’s thumbs slide soothingly. Blaine lets himself be soothed. He pushes aside his worry for now and leans into the touch.

“All this fall weather and costuming make me feel like we should curl up indoors and watch a non-scary Halloween movie. Come home with me?” Kurt asks.

“I’ve always considered _Mulan_ an unconventional Halloween movie,” Blaine says hopefully. It’s still a go-to comfort movie for him.

“I don’t think they have Halloween in ancient China, Blaine,” Kurt says automatically.

“But disguises! Pretending to be a fierce warrior in disguise is a great way to counteract being scared, and you know how scary Halloween can be.” Blaine says it like it’s a joke and Kurt continues to look bemused at him. “That and I was Ping for Halloween as a kid.”

“Oh my god. Do you have pictures?” Kurt asks with the same urgency he uses for Black Friday sale locations.

“My mom has them in an album somewhere. Although if you ask her, I’m Captain Shang.” Blaine smiles at the memory that’s almost good enough to overshadow his nerves at revealing an unconventional truth that usually results in hearing he should have identified with someone else more appropriate for his gender, hero of the movie or not.

Kurt intakes a sharp, excited breath. “We’re officially going to your house. I need to see those pictures. I bet you were the cutest little soldier.”

Blaine breaks into a grin.

They turn out all but the ghost light and then dash out of the auditorium toward the empty lot, and if he makes a big show of seeing Kurt off into his own car, Kurt might not get that knowing look when Blaine waits for Kurt to lock his doors before stepping away.

 


End file.
